Me again,
I've gone from a twelve month break to two posts in two months, record breaking, right?
So I turned 21 last week, I had a 'small' gathering with my closest family and friends and celebrated on a Sunday afternoon in the best fashion possible. There was plenty of food and alcohol, the perfect recipe for a Sunday afternoon.
I was extremely overwhelmed by everyone who made the weekend so special for me, you know who you are. It was an unfamiliar experience being surrounded by so many people in my life all in the one room. I lapped it up and enjoyed every second of it.
I finished my second last semester of university today, 12 weeks left of schooling and I am shipped off into the real world.
After having experienced this feeling multiple times over the last few months, I always brushed it aside. I told myself comforting things like 'everyone gets nervous,' or 'you're a stressed person Claire, it's just who you are.'
It wasn't until today that I was sitting in a cafe revising my exam notes sipping on my iced latte and untouched banana bread, that I realised I couldn't write properly because my hands were shaking so violently. My chest felt tight and I was struggling to release a deep breath. I laughed it off with my friend commenting on how nervous I was for the exam, which at the time I thought I truely was.
During the exam few hours later, I was still struggling to write (future apology to my lecturer marking my exam, good luck reading over my writing, because I sure as hell couldn't.) Telling myself it was just the exam stress, I walked out of the exam expecting to feel relieved however the deep panic in my stomach was still there, as was it sitting with me the entire train ride home, the walk to my car from the station, even now hours after.
I feel as if I have lost my appetite almost completely, I cannot concentrate for long periods of time, I'm anxious.
I feel anxious when I have no reason too. I am experiencing the separation from someone (extremely dramatic but you get the picture ya know) and I feel as if there is next to nothing I can do to fix this. I am anxious.
I am anxious for things that are out of my control and that stresses me out.
I am a permanent stress human, however this I feel is slightly something else.
I am now on a 7 week break from uni, I am about to embark on a journey back to Europe for the third time and I couldn't be more excited. I will be studying in Paris for a few weeks and finishing up in Spain and Portugal, because why not?
Will check in soon, hopefully on a better note.
Claire Louise x
